Thursday, August 10, 2006

Kabaklaan...Isang Kasaysayan

Bakla ka ba?

Frequent question that I encounter back during primary and secondary school days.

My normal answer to that back then was a resounding N-O. But most of the time, I had my way of dodging these type of questions, because I couldn't accept it. That is not who I am.

They say we are not supposed to remember anything from before we turned five. But I object. I can remember that my sensuality and my homosexuality started as early as two years old.

You see I used to play with this next door neighbor. A boy. Though fragments of memories, I can recall that we used to lock the door of my parents' room. And I can remember that we did some very intimate things that we are not supposed to know at that age.

Though I cannot understand it at that time, well even now, it just felt right.

I wonder what happened to that playmate? Did he turn out same way that I did?

And then just before I joined kindergarten, I used to play with these kids, but our game went beyond the street. Our game when straight to the bedroom.

At the age of four or five, mind you.

So I'm a very sensual person, and I discovered my sexual preference at a very young age.

I have never experienced having a crush on a girl, never. Though when asked of my type of girl, I would name some random girls that we know, mostly they were the preetiest of our class, just to save face. Whatever.

I never tried courting a girl, that at least I am proud of. I never tried "curing" myself as suggested by a lot of people.

Personally, I felt that this would be unfair to any girl, should I decide to court one.

I mean, I know that it's sausage that I want, so why go for the tahong (mussel)???

It took me years to accept this.

I distanced myself from other gay students. My circle of friends are mostly female. I convinced myself that I can relate more to my girl-friends rather than with the baklas. I was so proud of myself.

I felt that I am not like them. I am not your typical queer. I am not a parlorista. I am dignified, respected, admired. I don't want them to be my friends.

But reality has its way of coming around. It haunted me until I can no longer escape and just accept the fact that I am bakla.

One thing I regret though, I had more action back when I was two than now when I am 26. But that's not exactly accurate...


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